The Haunting

The scariest movie I’ve ever seen is The Silence of the Lambs. Now, can any of you remember so much as one graphically violent scene or the use of special effects in that film? Answer: Nope. Just the thought of Dr. Hannibal Lechter, however, had you ready to fling your popcorn straight up into the air in fright.

Not so with The Haunting, a special effects-laden remake of a far scarier version made back in 1963. Supposedly a horror-thriller, the newest version has few, if any, thrills. The only thing I liked about the movie is the haunted country mansion. It would keep Bob Vila busy with remodeling repairs for about a decade.

Four souls are stuck in a gothic Berkshires mansion called "Hill House" for a weekend. Dr. David Marrow (Liam Neeson) has a grant to research "primordial fear reaction," the kind of federal spending that would cause Senator Phil Gramm’s eyeballs to pop out. Marrow dupes three people into volunteering as subjects under the guise of it being a study about sleep disorders.

Nell (Lili Taylor), the first to arrive, gives us a grand tour of the imposing mansion and all of its rooms. Theo (Catherine Zeta-Jones) introduces herself as a bisexual and proceeds to spend the rest of the movie doing nothing more than modeling nightgowns and running in this direction and that. Luke (Owen Wilson) walks around Hill House in his pajama bottoms, playing catch.

Nell is the only character who can detect the mysterious evil spirits at Hill House, inspired by the painting of its builder, Hugh Crain. Besides all the strange sounds, the cherubic Gargoyles in the walls seem to come to life with the assistance of an array of special effects.

The setup is spooky, but if you watch closely, you’ll detect several on-screen glitches. Everything unravels, however, in the film’s final half hour.

I sat there wondering why two popular stars like Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta-Jones even bothered to appear when they are upstaged by a haunted house.

The good news is that a far scarier film, The Blair Witch Project, will be released to the general public on Friday. Skip The Haunting. The Blair Witch Project promises to scare the living bejabbers out of you.