The Bachelor

At one time or another, probably on the E! cable channel, I’ve seen a clip from the 1925 Buster Keaton silent film called "Seven Chances." There’s a classic scene that shows Keaton running for his life down the street chased by hundreds of women dressed in white bridal gowns. The same scene is used in The Bachelor, albeit to a lesser effect. Somehow I can’t imagine E! running clips of this new film 74 years from now.

The Bachelor stars Chris O’Donnell as Jimmy Shannon, a 29 year-old studmuffin and heir to a billiard company. Jimmy, a diehard bachelor, proposes marriage to Anne (Renee Zellweger). "You win" are the words he uses while handing the incredulous girlfriend an engagement ring. She turns the creep down.

Jimmy’s wealthy grandfather (Peter Ustinov) dies. In a videotaped reading of the will, the billiard company owner tells Jimmy that in order to inherit the $100 million operation, he must marry by 6:05 p.m. on the day of his 30th birthday. Otherwise, the company will be sold. That’s tomorrow, Jimmy.

Jimmy, without mentioning the inheritance, gets turned down again by Anne. Then she leaves town. With the aid of his chubby pal Marco (Artie Lange), he frantically looks up some flaky old flames, among them Mariah Carey and Brooke Shields. A newspaper article prompts hundreds of women dressed in white bridal gowns to chase Jimmy up and down the hilly streets of San Francisco. Somehow you know Anne is going to return. She does, on the Amtrak train. Brave girl.

Whatever worked in the silent film sure doesn’t work here. There are some forced laughs along the way, but you know Chris O’Donnell lays an egg when his performance is upstaged by Ed Asner and cigar chomping Hal Holbrook.