The 13th Warrior

The old school of management would threaten employees with the phrase, "Heads will roll!" The 13th Warrior takes the meaning of those words literally. If bloody decapitations are your thing, this is the movie for you. Otherwise, skip this turkey. But there are other reasons to do so.

To start, word has it that the movie was shot two years ago but left in the can. It was based on the Michael Crichton novel, "Eaters of the Dead," one of the author’s less heralded works. Reedited for popular release, the film is very choppy. One character appears, only to soon disappear without a trace.

Since the film features Antonio Banderas before he achieved stardom in last year’s Mask of Zorro, one can only figure that the producers decided to cash in on the actor’s new found fame. Banderas, however, seems disoriented throughout the entire production. And why shouldn’t he? He’s playing an Arab character with a Spanish dialect, interacting with English-speaking Norsemen who look and act like a biker gang.

The real downside, however, is the story. Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan (Banderas), banished from Baghdad in circa 1000 A.D. for a sex scandal, winds up in Scandinavia with a crew of 12 Vikings. He’s recruited as the 13th member to take on a tribe of cannibals that has been terrorizing nearby villages.

These flesh eaters, dressed in bearskins, are a scary looking lot when filmed brandishing torches in the dark. Up close and in the light, however, they look more like Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton in their ceremonial headdress on the way to a lodge meeting.

There are three main battles and one search-and-destroy mission. When a combatant is killed, he either loses his head with a sword blow, gets shish- kabobbed with an oversized spear, or hit with a dozen arrows for that extra effect. Each demise is accompanied by the obligatory grunt or scream.

The only suspense is trying to figure out who among the 13 warriors is still flailing away like the comic strip character "Hagar the Horrible" at the end.

Hint, hint: If Antonio Banderas gets it, this movie is really in trouble.